Liar, Liar pants on fire. Do you ever lie to yourself? Out of expectation? Out of approval? Out of justification? I officially can not continue this pattern. Nor can I lie to others. I like honesty. I appreciate it, but there is one area in my life that I have been a liar about. Or at least I feel I am being less than honest about. I am enrolled to start back to college this week. I am not very excited. I am not really that happy about this decision, and deep down in my gut I am concerned that I am making the wrong decision for myself. I am a repeat offender of this sort of thing. I can talk myself out of just about anything. Well I should give that credit to my inner shit talker, as I have mentioned her before.
Everyone keeps asking me “are you so excited to go back?” “I bet you are so excited to finish.” “I am proud of you for going back.” etc. These comments, feel more like the weight of a elephant. I am so happy to have the faith and support of others, and I don’t want to take it for granted . But Holy shit, this just feels scary, confusing and a little nerve racking. I of course go through the mental list of how all of the things can go wrong, or not add value to my life,if I am not in the right frame of mind and season in my life to receive this benefits. Now, with this being said, I know the cliche of all the self doubt involves. I know that “how do you know you won’t like it?” “How do I know that this is the wrong decision?” Truth is, I don’t know. I am open to be wrong about these assumptions. I am okay with feeling these current feelings, only to embrace that they could be right or they could be wrong. Either way it won’t change me as a Human. Unless I let it.
Much like the upcoming president. I don’t like him. I don’t like that he is coming into this sacred power, I am nervous about it. I am not happy about it, and I am not even remotely excited about it, like I see and hear some people are. I am honestly scared. However, I have told people that I am open to being wrong about how I feel. That I could be happy, that he could be a good president, etc, but I won’t know until I have experienced it. In my gut I don’t want this president, but my vote was just not enough to prevent it. So for the next 4 years I will be set on hopefully being wrong about this man, and if by circumstance my expectations change, I will be receptive to this. Just being honest. If you can tell me how excited you are for our country, in the very same conversation, I can tell you how I am not, but I will stay hopeful.
Candor is what I value. So I feel like I owe it to myself to embrace these feelings about school in the same way. As a adult, who does not have to worry about truancy, or popularity contest, or if I will fit in. I know this is something I can do in my own time. If it works great, but if it doesn’t it doesn’t. I am only as obligated to attend as I set my schedule to be. I can not worry about letting people down, If i decide once again that college just isn’t for me. However, I do feel like I need to re-visit the notion that this time around maybe it is the place for me. I am giving myself the permission and the grace, to be afraid, but also the permission to embrace this, and explore it a little more. As for right now, I can name 10 things that are more a priority then school, and just in the same notion I want it. I want the damn degree. I just don’t ever want to put my truth on the line for it. I am unapologetic about how I feel. I have to be.
I can’t keep up with the pressure on myself to feel like I “have” or “should” feel a certain way about this endeavor. From a young age we are taught not to be quitters, this mentality has really been a struggle for me. I have sometimes felt like I have stayed and settled for things that were no longer serving me, just for the pure fact that I didn’t want to have the title of a quitter, or disappoint myself or others. I only get one opportunity to live this life. April. So who the fuck are you living it for, if you are constantly concerned with how everyone else is going to perceive your every fucking move?! This is how I work through things, I get it out, I have to get it out of my head. If I am going to be cramming Speech class 1010 in there, then I sure as hell do not these thoughts interfering with the learning I am paying for. I want to be open to the possibility of my own success, and go at with my heart and my mind and the admitting that it’s vulnerable. My vulnerability is not to be viewed as a weakness, but a moment of me being honest and free of judgments on myself and from others. This is one of those post that in 6 weeks from now I could re-read and completely feel different about, but as long as I know that I put it out there in the world that this woman is a little unsure and that’s OK.
Dear, school can we just have coffee first? Like get to know each other, but like not move too fast?